


i'd love to give the world to you

by Fluffifullness



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, One-Sided Hazuki Nagisa/Ryugazaki Rei, One-Sided Tachibana Makoto/Nanase Haruka, Rare Pairings, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-10
Updated: 2014-05-10
Packaged: 2018-01-24 06:21:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1594760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fluffifullness/pseuds/Fluffifullness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He looks helplessly at Nagisa, stares, holds his gaze and doesn’t let go. Nagisa isn’t Makoto, he’s not the same kind of insightful and his connection to Haru doesn’t work like that, but Haru needs to see it, anyway – Nagisa understanding about Makoto the same way Makoto understood about Nagisa. Just. Simple comprehension. Or reassurance, maybe – he doesn’t know if that’s too much to ask now, when Nagisa’s the same, looks at Rei the same way but looks at Haru more, different. Like he has something no one else does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'd love to give the world to you

**Author's Note:**

> Long time, nothing posted! I decided kind of on a whim that I wanted to try writing some NagiHaru, and this is what came out of a really slow process. I've been on-and-off staring at it for so long that I finally had to just give it up to the Internet. ^_^;
> 
> The tags should be warning enough, but just so we're clear: there is also one-sided Reigisa and MakoHaru, with a li'l bit of angst to go with. (Because my shipper's heart couldn't just brush them aside, so instead I made it painful. I guess.)

With Nagisa, it’s hard to tell.

He’s “only kidding” almost as often as he means what he says, and even then the line’s a little blurred. He speaks too loudly and he laughs too much, and maybe it’s because he’s so small that he always winds up tiring himself out – wasting energy the way he does. He’s been that way since they were kids.

Haru’s always thought of him as weirdly honest. It’s not really that he doesn’t hide things – everyone does that – but when he wants something, he says so, and when he likes someone he lets them know. He’s almost always willing to do what he wants when he wants to do it; that’s something that Haru’s had to struggle with for years, all in spite of the fact that hesitation runs counter to his own personality.

Nagisa’s affectionate and bouncy and overeager. He doesn’t hold back and that should be irritating, a breach of personal space and propriety, but Haru’s as used to it as all the rest of their friends. He even thinks he’d miss it if Nagisa ever decided to change.

“Haru-chan, you look like you’re spacing out.”

Haru’s chest tightens as he glances up in response to the declaration. Nagisa’s sitting at a desk pushed close to Haru’s – diagonal to it, with two more waiting for Rei and Makoto to get back from their joint trip to the vending machines. The look Haru gives Nagisa is intent, almost probing, and he doesn’t turn away until he opens his mouth to respond.

“Did you ever feel…” Haru struggles for a moment, unsure of how to find the right words. He sighs – “Like the odd one out? Until – until you found Rei.”

Nagisa gives him a funny look, then grins and laughs.

“How come? ‘Cause Rei-chan and I are a year younger than everyone else?” Haru nods, a quiet show of agreement that earns him another of Nagisa’s giggles. “Gou-chan’s in the same year as us, too, you know,” he reminds him.

Haru keeps his face impassive. He doesn’t know why he asked, why he thought it mattered, but there’s something about Nagisa’s response that bothers him all the same. It’s the same thing that was bothering him before, for a long time, the thing that made him want to spend a minute or two alone with Nagisa, just like this, only… different. He should have tried harder to figure out what to say. He was supposed to know that much, at least.

“Age doesn’t matter in a team, anyway, right? We’re all pretty close either way, aren’t we?”

Haru feels his brow crease, but all he has to offer Nagisa is a noncommittal nod.

“Haru-chan…”

“You’re right,” Haru agrees, letting his breath go slowly. It’s a fairly hollow comment, but it has the intended effect: Nagisa sighs, relieved, and Haru barely registers the way the blond’s whole body relaxes back into the seat, tension gone.

A moment passes, and Nagisa lowers his head, peers up at Haru through the screen of his bangs.

“You say that, but does one year seem like a lot to you, Haru-chan?”

“No,” he answers too quickly, because that isn’t it. Not really.

Nagisa echoes Haru’s frown with one of his own – a frown on anyone else, a pout on him, concern mixed with cute impatience.

“Then why do you still look upset?”

“It’s – it’s nothing…”

“What’s nothing?”

Nagisa squeaks and jumps a little upon hearing Makoto’s voice behind them. Rei is standing with him, two aluminum cans of something balanced awkwardly in one hand while the other drifts up to push at the frames of his glasses. Haru narrows his eyes at him, but Rei doesn’t seem to notice; he’s looking at Nagisa.

“You looked like you were talking about something important. We aren’t interrupting, are we?”

Nagisa grins. “No, it’s fine! We couldn’t’ve looked _that_ serious.”

“Ah, well…” Rei’s eyes flicker over to meet Haru’s; he’s quick to clear his throat and look back down at his shoes. “Here’s yours,” he says, passing one of the drinks to Nagisa.

“Thanks!” Nagisa says brightly. Haru lets his eyes slip shut, briefly. He doesn’t want to see Nagisa’s fingers brush Rei’s, doesn’t want to notice the way Rei’s face always lights up pink and shy and secretly happy.

Rei smiles helplessly back at Nagisa as he takes his seat across from the blond. Makoto makes himself comfortable across from Haru, but he’s not as oblivious as Rei; there’s a look in his eyes that Haru immediately reads as understanding.

It irritates him; _he_ doesn’t understand it, himself – at least not exactly – so how can Makoto? Why does Rei look at him the way he does more and more often these days? It’s like he’s fallen right out of a loop _he_ made, but no one aside from him seems to have noticed.

“This one is for you, Haru,” Makoto says, hand outstretched to offer Haru a cold-wet can with short rivulets of condensation scoring the sides. Haru takes it without comment, but Makoto breaks precedent. He doesn’t let that unspoken concern go unaddressed. He doesn’t let Haru wait to bring it up on his own.

He pauses only long enough for Nagisa to engage Rei in lively conversation before leaning in close and smiling, unassuming but somehow firm at the same time.

“Lately,” he says, quiet without being obvious about it, “you’ve been looking at those two differently, haven’t you?”

Haru gives his friend a wide-eyed look as his breath dies somewhere in the vicinity of his throat. He doesn’t dare to sneak any more glances at Nagisa and Rei.

Makoto’s smile takes on a melancholic hue. Haru’s sure he doesn’t mean to let that show, but his attempts at hiding it don’t do much – at least not in front of Haru. They know each other too well for fake things like that.

“I can go home alone after practice,” Makoto offers.

“Oh,” Haru mumbles. “You don’t have to…”

“It’s okay,” Makoto reassures him, and this time his smile is more genuine. “It’ll be easier on you if you figure it out sooner rather than later.”

“Figure what out? Math?” Nagisa chimes in. The spell between the two of them breaks instantly; to Haru, the first smile that rises to Makoto’s lips is more disappointed than anything else.

Rei adjusts his glasses, smiles confidently and says, “I may be able to help with that.”

Makoto chuckles as Haru tenses, ready for his friend to correct the obvious misunderstanding.

“Yeah, that might be a good idea,” the brunet agrees. “We have a big test coming up soon.”

The promise sends a shiver of anticipation-wrought-with-nervousness coursing up from the pit of Haru’s stomach to his too-light head; the room tilts briefly, but the conversation that surrounds him never stops.

 

**~*~**

 

Their last class of the day might as well count as its own 24-hour cycle, condensed though it may be into what the clock claims is only a very slow 45 minutes. Haru watches it closely, ignoring for the most part Makoto’s sidelong glances and muffled throat-clearing; he hadn’t been lying about the math test, but that doesn’t mean that Haru can honestly find it in himself to care.

They’re down to the last five minutes when Haru finally has to close his eyes and take slow, measured breaths. It’s only a moment, but that’s when the realization hits him for the first time. He’s known perfectly well for hours, now, what it is that Makoto expects him to do – talk, just talk, but “figuring things out” means confronting not only the way he thinks of Nagisa but also the way he looks at Rei sometimes, the bitter, petty jealousness – if that’s what it is, he hurries to think. So he’ll have to talk to both of them, and now that it’s close, the talking isn’t a formless eventuality. He’s not staring at the clock because he can’t wait to stop worrying. He’s thinking about what he’ll have to say.

“Haru.”

He jerks suddenly and hazards barely a second to glance up at Makoto. The classroom’s emptied out quite a bit, but Haru hasn’t moved an inch. When did the bell ring?

“Are you feeling alright?”

Haru frowns at his desk. “Dunno…”

The intervening silence leaves their small corner of the room entirely empty, private enough if they keep their voices low.

“Maybe it’s none of my business,” Makoto murmurs, “but, Haru, I don’t think you need to worry so much. I – I think you’re really” – he clears his throat, and Haru looks at him – “I’ve always thought you were a great person. I’m not saying that I know how Nagisa will react, but I know how I –”

His voice cracks, and this time it’s Makoto who looks away first. Haru’s chest tightens, but he can’t – he can never – figure out how to put that feeling into words that heal. He doesn’t know what to do to take the crease out of Makoto’s forehead, open his closed eyes and his hands made fists. He’s afraid to touch him, afraid of the difference it might not make.

“Makoto – sorry,” he breathes, voice shivery and drawn.

The brunet shakes his head, smiles. His eyes are shining when he opens them again. “I’m fine, Haru-chan. I didn’t mean for that to slip out, and – I – I really only want you to be happy, when all’s said and –”

Haru braces his hands on the front of his desk and stands. His legs shake the way they sometimes do after hours spent swimming, when the solid ground feels like it’s a liquid, too, but he ignores the sensation. Makoto’s hand isn’t there to help him up; he takes it, anyway – right from Makoto’s side, warm and shaking just enough to be noticeable. Makoto’s biting his lip like he’s suppressing heavier tears, but his eyes are wide and relatively clear and he’s looking at Haru.

“I wish it were you,” Haru mumbles through the lump in his own throat. “This would be easier.”

“Haru, please – don’t say things like that. It isn’t fair to either of you.”

Haru bows his head. “Sorry,” and because some of their classmates are starting to stare, “Let’s go.” Makoto lets himself be led into the hallway, down to their lockers – where they stop briefly to collect their shoes – and then finally out into the warmth of mid-spring sunshine. His taut-muscled trembling slows gradually as they near the pool, but he comes to a stand-still before they’re close enough to be seen by any of their teammates.

“Um,” he starts, “I…”

“Do you need to go home?”

“No,” Makoto quickly assures him, “I’ll be fine. Haru…” He shuffles his feet, digs the toe of his shoe into the ground in front of him and sighs lightly. “I guess I didn’t need a proper confession, right?” He laughs nervously and looks everywhere but at Haru. “I kind of thought you knew.”

Haru can only nod.

“Long time?”

“Years,” Haru manages. His throat feels suddenly thick again, foreign and strange and too tight for words. It was unfair of him and he knows that – the long, shared nights and secret smiles and popsicles but he would have been _lonely_ without that, without Makoto. He needs him and he loves him but he doesn’t – and he knows and he knew – that he doesn’t love him in exactly the same way, the way Makoto probably wishes he did, if he were ever that honest about his own needs.

Makoto laughs again, breathless. Haru wonders how many of his thoughts Makoto’s managed to gather from the press of his lips and the lump in his throat, but all that comes out of his friend’s mouth is a shaky, “Yeah…”

“Makoto, you shouldn’t – you don’t look good,” Haru repeats. (He means ‘ _You should go home_ ,’ ‘ _It wouldn’t be fair to make you practice with us now,’_ even _‘I can wait for a better time.’_ He knows that that’s what Makoto hears, what he’s been hearing for the past several minutes in every tilt of Haru’s head, his eyes dark with worry and his lips curving slightly downward.)

“I want things to work between you and Nagisa,” Makoto says, and he may be looking away again with his voice too strangled to sound quite like him, but all the same – Haru doesn’t hear the lie he was expecting. He hears a simple truth, and it hurts him more than any of Makoto’s bad acting.

“Why?”

Makoto shrugs and grins through what remains of barely-shed tears. “We’ve been friends our whole lives. That comes first, and I want you to be with the person that makes you happiest. I…” He takes another deep breath. “I know it’s sudden, but it’s probably for the best that we get this out of the way now. It wasn’t supposed to turn into a big scene” – he laughs – “I guess I am disappointed, and a little sad –”

Haru’s stomach churns. He stares straight into Makoto’s eyes, leans close without meaning to because the _tears – he can’t cry, he doesn’t deserve to have to._

But there aren’t any left, just one clinging to an eyelash, catching sun. Makoto sees him looking and shakes his head.

“Those feelings won’t last forever, but I know I’ll always care about you – in one way or another,” he reassures him quickly. “I’d always regret getting between two of my closest friends.”

They both pause, and at a glance Haru can see that Makoto still isn’t satisfied – so he waits.

“Besides…” He mulls it over for another moment, then smiles again and laughs – the most genuine, least awkward or uncomfortable one so far. “Besides, Haru, it isn’t really that I’m losing you. If nothing really changes between us, I’ll be happy. And it means I get to support my best friend – you’ll need that, won’t you?”

Haru doesn’t pause to mention that the way Makoto says it, anyone would believe that Haru really has a chance with Nagisa, anyway. His stomach rolls over at the thought; he’s probably an idiot for trying, for giving this up – this patient, smiling boy with his kind eyes and selfless love.

“You, too.”

Makoto frowns – confused. “What?”

Haru sighs. “I’ll support you, too. Okay? In case you need it – if you’re ever upset.”

If you regret it the way I’d regret it, if and when those painful moments come and you can’t understand how nothing you feel makes any sense – no matter how many times you tell yourself you’d be better off, but nothing works and you can’t control that stuff, after all. If you’re ever frustrated because your feelings don’t run only one way, but several – a web, a stream of bubbles; for every one that disappears, three more spring up. They never seem to agree on what hurts the least.

“Haru” – and the tears are back but they’re happy, grateful, surprised in the best of ways – “ _thank you_.”

Haru shakes his head. He doesn’t have to say it, and Makoto probably doesn’t need to hear it – that the gratitude goes both ways, that Haru couldn’t have done any of this on his own any more than he could have made it through all those years when it was just the two of them. If he’d been alone… he wouldn’t be the way he is now, he wouldn’t deserve Nagisa or a friend like Makoto.

With a sigh and a forlorn smile, he thinks that maybe he doesn’t deserve Makoto, anyway.

 

**~*~**

 

“Haruka-senpai! Makoto-senpai,” Rei greets them both when they finally leave the locker room, Haru trailing behind Makoto with his face quickly darkening from pink to a bright red that extends all the way up to his ears. He doesn’t look up to return the greeting, but he does make a point of at least nodding at the ground. He knows that Makoto probably isn’t looking at him, now – busy, he’s sure, making silent signals to the other two. Haru’s fine, just moody. Nothing happened. Don’t worry.

Nagisa, on the other hand – he must be staring right at Haru, heavy bright eyes curious and happy to see the gang all here. He and Rei must have had some idea of what was going on just now between Haru and Makoto, or they would probably have come to join them on the way to practice.

“Whatever you were up to… try not to be so late next time, alright?”

Kou. Haru raises his eyes to hers with relative calm, but he’s relieved all the same to find that she’s looking more at Makoto than at him. He wonders if she can see what he can – that Makoto’s still a little sad, confident but drained. If she does, she doesn’t say anything about it, and Haru is in the water before she can get very far with her explanation of the day’s scheduled practice. Haru’s only slightly more interested in that than he was in their math class, but he knows that Makoto won’t leave him in his isolated little world for long – not here, not when their goals as a team stand alongside each of their personal qualms.

He resolves to enjoy the leisurely pull of the water for as long as he can, anyway. It’s cool, more like land than land itself – steady. It’s exactly what he needs.

“Haru-chan!”

With a short gasp, Haru rolls back onto his stomach and then rights himself hurriedly. Nagisa is sitting by the edge of the pool with his feet trailing in the water; he smiles when Haru makes eye contact with him.

“Is Mako-chan okay?”

“Oh,” Haru sighs. He hums a short ‘yes,’ not sure how else to reassure Nagisa without letting too much of his own nervousness show. He wonders briefly if Nagisa can see the shaking in his arms when he glides forward to hang on to the concrete edge of the pool.

“Then, are you okay? You weren’t fighting, were you?”

“Nagisa-kun…”

To Haru’s surprise, Nagisa doesn’t immediately look up at the sound of Rei’s voice.

“Can we talk later?” he asks softly.

“Ah – yeah,” Haru stammers with a single, sharp nod. His eyes must be blown wide at this point, and his face is hot enough that even Nagisa can’t have missed the color. In a weak – and belated – attempt to hide it, he turns away from the blond to finally reciprocate Rei’s curious stare with a more reserved one of his own.

“Haruka-senpai,” the other says stiffly.

“I need to” – Haru takes a slow breath – “talk to you. After practice.”

“To me?” Rei repeats. “But what about –”

“The three of us can all talk,” Nagisa interrupts. He’s already standing, his hand gripping Rei’s wrist – Haru looks away.

“Fine,” he agrees.

“I – I guess I don’t mind, if that’s what you –”

“Rei-chan,” Nagisa says, interrupting him for the second time in not nearly as many minutes. “I think Haru-chan would rather be alone for right now. Wanna just… go do some time trials with Mako-chan? Gou-chan’s getting kind of impatient, anyway.”

“You don’t have to say it like you’re talking to a little kid…” Rei grumbles, but he doesn’t do anything to prevent Nagisa from dragging him – much taller, stronger, probably capable of carrying Nagisa in his arms if he wanted to – off to the other end of the pool. Haru moves away from the concrete, but he doesn’t go straight back to swimming; he treads water, instead, watching his teammates as they gather around the starting blocks.

After a moment, Makoto tries to wave him over – Haru’s cue to finally submerge his face and throw some of his dwindling strength into a few kicks forward; he’s sure he’s shaking, but they won’t be able to tell from that far away. He’s probably better off keeping his distance until he’s sure that he’d at least be able to hold himself steady enough to get out of the water on his own.

It occurs to him – as if he hasn’t known all along – just how stupid this is, the quiver and the fluttering nausea in his stomach.It isn’t like him at all. Which is why he has to get over the worst of it quickly – and before anyone other than Makoto really has a chance to notice its full extent.

His thoughts more or less run in a loop like that until the last few minutes of practice; he barely manages to humor Makoto’s last-ditch effort to force some participation out of him, and his swimming is pretty far from stellar. Kou lets him off with a reproachful look and a (fairly sympathetic, he thinks) request that he put a little more effort into it next time – they have another joint practice coming up soon, after all. In a final aside, she adds that they should all try to take care of themselves; to Haru’s reluctant surprise, she looks right at him as she says it.

He doesn’t exactly relish the distance he’s putting between himself and everyone else, but all in all, it’s nearly good enough that he’s not as much a mess of apprehension. He hasn’t said or done anything worth regretting very heavily – at least not for long, and not – not _yet._

Back in the locker room, he barely has a chance to pull a shirt over his head before Makoto rises to his feet and reaches for his schoolbag. Haru gives him a panicked glance and starts to follow, but Makoto turns back to him with a half-amused smile and shakes his head.

“You guys can take your time. I’ll go on ahead for today.” He says it loud enough for the other two to hear, as well.

“Don’t just –”

“Haru-chan,” Nagisa interrupts gently, “I think Mako-chan really needs to get going.”

Haru blinks up at Makoto, not quite understanding until he sees the color start to rise to his cheeks.

“Oh,” he says. “Sorry – I’ll –”

Makoto interrupts him with a short step forward and a quick embrace. One of his hands goes gently to the back of Haru’s head during that split second; his other arm is thrown all the way around him, drawing him into the old, familiar warmth and slight damp of Makoto fresh out of a shower. His pulse quickens against Haru’s – Haru’s sure of it – and his breathing hitches just short of a sob, but he’s still collected enough to rub his thumb in one or two slow circles by Haru’s hair – dripping wet all over him and Makoto both.

And then he’s a sheepish grin, a receding silhouette and a hand raised in easygoing farewell. Rei and Nagisa watch him go and they watch Haru slowly break into a smile, wave and turn his own back.

Knowing Makoto, he’ll probably be by to see Haru in a few hours – breathless with anxiety for his friend’s sake, probably carrying more leftovers than Haru could ever hope to eat on his own, and – though he’d never admit it to Haru unless the situation somehow demanded it – ready with a pack of tissues in his pocket.

 

**~*~**

 

“I’m glad,” Rei sighs.

“Me, too,” Nagisa agrees. “Mako-chan’s a really nice person; if it were me, I don’t know if I could do that.” He eyes Haru, who has to return hastily to his locker, red-in-the-face and nearly breathless. “Are you okay?” Nagisa wonders, sounding almost alarmed.

Without looking at either of his friends, Haru finishes putting his clothes away and shakes his head – “You keep asking me that.” His stomach does a somersault as he adds, “If what were you?”

“Because you don’t seem okay,” Nagisa complains. And then he answers Haru’s question almost in the same breath – only nervously, kind of. “I meant – y’know, if the person I like rejected _me_ , I doubt I could be as understanding as Mako-chan. He seemed okay, so… I guess I’m even more worried about _you,_ now.”

All of Haru’s insides feel suddenly wrong – mixed up, all in the wrong places and thick with nausea. He barely recognizes Rei’s muffled grunt of confusion; he’s too busy stumbling over words, saying, “Makoto didn’t tell –”

“No, no, no!” Nagisa says quickly. “He didn’t have to, Haru-chan – it was kind of obvious – right?” He looks to Rei for support. The taller boy frowns and toys gingerly with the edges of his glasses before responding in his usual methodical way.

“Well – unlike Nagisa-kun, I don’t… believe I know exactly what happened between you and Makoto-senpai – but I’m sure I agree with Nagisa-kun on both counts, anyway. It’s a relief that you managed to understand each other without any major problems, but if you’re feeling sick or… recovering from any related stress, it might be better if we wait to have any important conver–”

Haru cuts him off with a quick shake of his head. “Makoto and I are okay. I’m not – it isn’t because of that. Thanks, but” – he pauses to scramble awkwardly for words, finally looks first at Rei and then at Nagisa – “I don’t think I’d ever be able to do this if I didn’t do it now.”

Rei’s confusion appears to double in seconds flat. “I’m sorry – you mean, this really was a rejection on your part and not…? Then what do you plan on telling us…?”

Nagisa stirs from Rei’s side, his eyes wide with worry.  “It had to be, right? If it were anything else, Mako-chan wouldn’t’ve been even a little sad earlier – or…?” He looks at Haru. “ _Was_ it the other way around?”

There’s something immeasurable in the tone of his voice – something bordering on disappointment, panic, guilt. It sounds like the voice in Haru’s head, the one that’s always swinging in and out of focus like some kind of pendulum.

“Wha – no,” Haru stammers, chest tightening into a sort of panic-fueled misery. “No – I – I wasn’t even strong enough to say it outright, but – Makoto was the one who encouraged me to do this. If he hadn’t, I probably would’ve just kept quiet forever –”

“ _Oh,_ ” Rei breathes, and now there’s a loose smile tugging at his lips. “Haruka-senpai – I should probably go, shouldn’t I?”

“No – I need to apologize – but first –”

“Wait, wait,” Rei insists. “Please. You don’t have anything to apologize for. In fact, I should be the one apologizing.”

“Neither of you did anything wrong!” Nagisa says – a little too insistently.

Rei shakes his head and responds to Nagisa first. “I should have told you outright that I wasn’t sure your assumption made sense – given the situation – but you were so hopeful that I didn’t want to be the one to say anything. I’m sorry – Haruka-senpai, I think I can speak for Nagisa-kun as well as myself when I say that both of us thought you and Makoto-senpai were establishing a romantic relationship earlier… Makoto-senpai’s excuse – about the math test – was pretty clearly a cover for something, so our initial assumption was –”

“We thought you were confessing to Mako-chan, or maybe the other way around, and since you’re both so close it seemed like you’d definitely start dating,” Nagisa explains, cheeks still red and eyes averted. Haru has a hard time looking away from him, from the nervousness combined with embarrassment and uncertainty – all these expressions that Nagisa almost never wears, all the hope that they shouldn’t inspire but do – because why? Why is he so worried?

“But when you both came to practice looking upset and – at least in your case –”

“Acting really weird,” Nagisa supplies.

“I assumed that maybe neither of you had been able to say anything, after all, or that” – he looks down – “that maybe Makoto-senpai had been the one to reject you, Haruka-senpai.”

“Ooh,” Nagisa mumbles, “I get it, though, Rei-chan. That might’ve made more sense, anyway. Sorry for just jumping to a conclusion like that – sorry, Haru-chan,” and he’s back to staring at his feet, “I thought the exact opposite, that you rejected Mako-chan, and – um – it’s really awful of me! To wish for something like that even when it’d mean that Mako-chan gets hurt, and when you were upset about it, too – but then Mako-chan seemed to be doing better, and I thought…! And it’d make sense for you to want Rei-chan and I to know, maybe, no matter what happened, since we’re all a team…!”

“I’m not mad,” Haru responds dazedly. “But… you ‘wished’…? You… what did you think?”

Nagisa blushes and giggles nervously. “Ah, that’s…”

“Nagisa-kun,” Rei says quietly – and they both look at him as though he were a literal lifeline – “Haruka-senpai… if you need to talk to me when you’ve finished here, that’s fine, but I’ll go wait outside for you first. Okay?”

“Rei-chan…” Nagisa all but whimpers.

Rei smiles. “Make sure you explain everything properly this time. I think we’ve all had to work through enough confusion as it is.”

Nagisa grabs Haru’s forearm with both of his hands, tight, and leans close to ask, “You don’t mind if Rei-chan stays, right, Haru-chan? Just for a minute or two, is all!”

Haru looks at Rei, waiting patiently for him to give some indication of how he should respond to the begging. Rei only shrugs and continues to smile – the same smile as Makoto, a strange mix of sadness and relief, reluctance and eager enthusiasm. It’s not as clear as when Makoto does it, but Haru feels the same pang of guilt-mixed-with-gratitude and maybe something a little like yearning.

“Don’t go anywhere,” Haru orders, voice hurting in his throat. “Stay right outside.”

Nagisa makes a little noise of disappointment and starts to let go of Haru’s arm, but Rei gives him a warning glance before disappearing from sight – and Nagisa remains frozen on the spot, wide-eyed and pink-faced, maybe on the verge of tears – but Haru’s not really sure, because his own vision feels like it could start to blur and run together at any moment.

“Sorry,” he mutters. “If you’d rather not listen –”

“No, Haru-chan, I want to – really! I was just happy to have Rei-chan for support, like you and Mako-chan –”

“S-support,” Haru repeats. “So – you really do know already.”

Nagisa bows his head and shoulders and nods where Haru can’t quite see his face. “Mm… I didn’t always think you liked – um – I was the one who told Rei-chan that you and Mako-chan were gonna be a couple to begin with, so I… ‘m not really ready to have to say anything now, since I thought it’d always be better to just be quiet about it…”

“Oh,” Haru mumbles, caught between despair and not-quite-daring to hope. “You’ve talked about that stuff with Rei before?”

“ _He_ talked to _me_ ,” Nagisa says. “I always thought that maybe he liked me that way, and I almost thought that maybe I could return the favor, but – when it came down to it, I couldn’t help being honest, since I – always liked Haru-chan, even when I didn’t think it mattered…”

He shivers and turns entirely away from Haru, face buried in his hands, red from the tips of his ears to the edge of his neck. “Sorry,” he gasps, “sorry, sorry –”

For a long moment, Haru can only sway to and fro – and then drop heavily onto the bench at his side, heart hammering and legs shaking. “Oh,” he says again, and when Nagisa buries a soft moan into the screen of his hands, he manages a short, “Don’t cry.”

“B-but Haru-chan, I – I keep wanting things I know hurt Rei-chan and Mako-chan, and – and –”

Haru’s voice sticks in his throat. “I know,” he agrees, “I – me, too.”

Nagisa hardly seems to notice. “And if I liked Rei-chan back, he wouldn’t be –”

“Nagisa.”

The blond faces Haru in a flurry of motion and a sharp sigh that hitches just enough to resemble a sob. He keeps his hands where they are, but he parts his fingers enough to let his eyes show – red-rimmed and peering uncertainly up at Haru.

“Me, too,” he repeats. “I wish – I don’t know why I don’t feel that way about Makoto.”

He’s attractive and a good person and he’s been there forever – and he’ll be there forever, probably, Haru hopes so. He’s a coward but he’s brave when he has to be for the sake of others, and when he smiles it’s hard not to relax – but – but –

He looks helplessly at Nagisa, stares, holds his gaze and doesn’t let go. Nagisa isn’t Makoto, he’s not the same kind of insightful and his connection to Haru doesn’t work like that, but Haru needs to see it, anyway – Nagisa understanding about Makoto the same way Makoto understood about Nagisa. Just. Simple comprehension. Or reassurance, maybe – he doesn’t know if that’s too much to ask now, when Nagisa’s the same, looks at Rei the same way but looks at Haru more, different. Like he has something no one else does.

“…I guess we’re just dumb,” Nagisa sniffs at last and with a little smile – his hands gone from his face, one raised to smudge away tears. “We don’t make any sense.”

Haru exhales slowly. Nagisa’s smile widens.

“Maybe a little?” he tries, sitting beside him on the bench and moving conspicuously closer – eyes lit up, almost mischievous.

“More than that,” Haru huffs impatiently, and he smiles, too. Just a little.

Nagisa stops, heat radiating, and his brow furrows even as his hand lingers somewhere in the vicinity of Haru’s. “Mako-chan and Rei-chan are okay with it… aren’t they?”

Haru licks his lips, nervous – nods, because as much as he knows it hurts, he also knows that what they’re offering is sincerely given. And that it isn’t all guilt, not really – not all regret, not all wondering about everything that didn’t have a chance to happen.

How many times has he decided to resolve it Today, No Backing Out at the Last Second? How many times has he tried, voice skipping over poorly-worded questions and requests? Never knowing how to put his finger on it, on the exact feeling, and never quite managing to reconcile all the self-contradiction there – in seeing them all as friends, teammates, but some as more and some just different – and being jealous, or maybe just afraid – he never thought he’d make it this far.

“So, Haru-chan,” Nagisa mumbles, eyes running over the walls and ceiling and floor of the little room, avoiding Haru, “does this make it official?”

“No,” Haru says thoughtfully, and Nagisa flinches before he sees the look on Haru’s face – the frantic something in his chest, the well of nervousness and earnest desire. “For that – I want to –”

“R-right here?”

“Right here,” Haru repeats. He takes Nagisa’s hand from its place between them – already a little too close to Haru’s, too far from the rest of Nagisa – and he uses it to close the distance, lets Nagisa sink into him so that their sides align, all the rough edges and confusion straightening out and then curving inward; Nagisa turns and Haru follows his lead, dips his head, his lips pursed in something like a pout. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, honestly, but he’s always thought he could fake it – he hopes.

“Okay?” he asks, and Nagisa shakes them both with the force of his nod.

They seal it with a kiss.

And when Nagisa’s arms finally loose themselves from Haru’s neck, his fingers from his hair and their legs all mixed up with one another, he smiles like he does when he’s just kidding and he speaks like he does when he means every word.

“Haru-chan, you’re so _– so_ good at kissing…”


End file.
